The Nineteenth Hole

Descriptive paragraph?

I need criticism on this paragraph. It's a descriptive paragraph about Hannah from, Girl in Hyacinth Blue. I just started it so it isn't finished.
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I was just patrolling the market place when a girl walked by. She was with a little boy, much the age of my own son. This girl fascinated me for no reason. Her eyes glanced here and there as though eyes pierced her stiff gold Star of David from all directions. I saw those eyes for only a second, they were little drops of melted chocolate, while they were dark, full of thought and severe, they were at the same time translucent and sad, filled with anguish and hurt. The girl glared at her feet, hoping to seed away any dirty looks. The small beings that held her weight were reflective of her personality, small, descript and ordinary to the normal eye, but full of exquisite detail.

In the first sentence, don't use "patrol" unless if the narrator was actually patrolling--which means doing a security guard's job. Leave out the "just", too; it's irrelevant and unnecessary.

Instead of "she was with ..." try something more interesting, such as "Walking with her was a young boy..."

The phrase "much the age" doesn't make sense. Try "who seemed no older than my own son."

The girl cannot fascinate the narrator for now reason; there is always a reason for everything, even if it is unknown. Something more accurate and less subjective would be, "This girl fascinated me for a reason I have yet to realize."

The transition between how the girl intrigued the narrator and the girl's description is too abrupt. The two parts need to be linked so that the paragraph continues its flow. Maybe the narrator suspects her appearance may be what is making him/her interested.

The sentence following doesn't make sense to me. The analogy/metaphor is unclear and it should be either explained or more obvious. Also, commas should be in between the words in a list--this list includes adjectives. ("...stiff, gold")

Instead of a comma after "I saw those eyes for only a second..." use a colon to balance the sentence. The following part does not continue a list or the sentence; it adds to it. Try not to use "while" in that context because you are also using "at the same time", which implies the contrast between the first description and the second.

Again, there should be a transition here, between the description of her eyes and her posture.

The following sentence, again, makes little sense (at least up until the contrast of the adjectives). What "small beings"? Her eyes? Her body? Be more clear on the metaphor.

Because the adjectives are an elaboration of the claim made in the sentence, you should use a semi colon to balance that.

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